[Chapter 9] - A Confused Heart. Or Two

Though in indoors, her body still could not stop trembling from the cold outside. Risa scrutinised the small, simple and cosy living area she was placed in.  'Simplicity . . . the beauty of one heart . . . ' She turned towards the direction where the kitchen was located, where Ai was, fiddling around with the kettle and cups. Risa could see every actions Ai made. It was a studio apartment after all, with no enclosed areas except for the toilet, it was difficult to miss her actions.

Risa continued to have her eyes set on Ai, with slight gentleness filling her eyes. 'How I wish that I can know you more.'

While Risa continued to study Ai and her actions, Ai kept herself busy in the small kitchen. With the empty glass held tightly in her hands, Ai noticed that her hands were trembling. 'Why are you hands trembling, Ai? What are you doing? Why did you bring her back to your own comfort zone? Didn't you decided that it's time to stay away, especially after what they had witness?' Ai shook her head slightly, trying to push away the negative thoughts that were building up in her mind. 'She's freezing to death now. Getting her warmed up is the main thing you should think about, Ai.' With that, Ai shut her mind up and continued preparing the hot tea for Risa.

Risa moved her attention away from Ai and sank her head into her gloved hands. 'What am I supposed to do now? Eri asked me to look for my source of distraction and I did without planning? What am I suppose to tell her? Why do I feel the need to see her. Why . . . '  A warm sensation came touching the side of Risa's cheek, breaking her trails of thoughts. She looked up from her hands and saw Ai standing before her, placing the cup of hot tea beside her face. Their eyes met for a second before Ai turned her head away, breaking the eye contact they were making. Risa took over the hot tea from Ai, allowing the warmth of the tea to warm her hands up.

Ai straddled a few steps away from Risa and stopped before the wooden coffee table. As Ai allowed herself to settle down on the table, Risa brought the tea to her mouth, drinking small bits of it, letting the warm liquid into her body. An awkward silence settled within the sitting area of the studio apartment, with both parties having an unclear mind of what they should say.

Risa had her eyes set on Ai, who had her eyes set on her fingers. 'What was that that I wanted to say to her? I can't remember anymore. What had gave me the courage, gave me the impulsion to show up right in front of her workplace. What was that that was overflowing in my mine previously and that nothing is able to come out now? What are you doing, Risa?'

'Ai. Say something.' The mind of Ai urged her to do so. 'What am I suppose to say? She appeared so suddenly at my workplace. That was totally unexpected. And . . . They had seen that. My break. My crazy. Would she still accept me as a friend? Nobody would want a mute as a friend, not to mention, a one who will go crazy at the sound of the second hand of the clock, the hand brings in the reality of my life. . . ' The sound of the glass cup contacting the wooden table interrupted the thoughts of Ai. Ai looked up and saw Risa standing beside her.

Risa had just placed the half drank cup beside Ai. She bit her lower lips lightly as stood beside Ai awkwardly. "I'm . . . I'm sorry for the impulse visitation just now. I guess . . . I shall leave now. Sorry about that, Ai-san." Risa mumbled softly before proceeding to the door.

Ai was shocked by the sudden action of Risa. She remained rooted at the seat on the table when she heard the main door clicked closed. Unknowingly to Risa, tears had started to flow down the flawless cheeks of Ai. 'Just as what I had guess . . . she do mind about having a crazy person as a friend. Were you expecting something different, Ai? Face the truth, you are brought into this world to face the ugliness of the world - loneliness. That's your fate, that's your destiny. That's why Papa and Mama had abandoned you. Ai, you are such a loser.' Standing up from her position, Ai staggered to her bed, burying her face into the soft touch of the covers. 'Loneliness is your best friend, Ai. Now and forever.

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"Tadaima" Risa mumbled out incoherently as she step into the apartment of Eri.

"Okaeri." Eri responded as she remained seated on her position at the living room couch. "Why are you so late today, Risa?" Eri asked.

Risa ignored Eri's question that was directed to her and proceeded straight back to Eri's study room.

"Risa?" Eri called out again, hoping to catch Risa's attention. But all she got for response was the loud bang of the closing door of the study room.

'What had happened again?' Eri thought deeply as she furrowed her eyebrows, analysing the current situation of her best friend.

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"Ah~" Risa let out a soft cry as flopped down on the bed, letting out a deep sigh in the process. She closed her eyes, allowing the fresh memory to play in her mind. 'I had so much to tell her previously, yet when it was just the both of us in her room, nothing could come out. What is wrong with you, Risa? What were you going to tell her anyway? That you may had like her? Was that what you want to tell her, Risa?'

Looking at the gloves that Ai had gave her earlier on, tears started to form. 'Her existence, her appearance in my life is just like this glove. She warmed my heart just the way the glove had warmed my hands. I never thought I will feel this way again. Not after Sayumi. Why is that so? I never really got to know her. She's like a mystery, to both Eri and I.' Removing the gloves off her hands, she brought them close to her heart. 'Why is she able to do this to me?  Will she be able to feel for this heart of mine? Or . . .would she be like . . . '

"Risa" Eri called out gently from the other side of the door. "Can I come in?"

"Yes" Risa answered restlessly, while tightening the grip on the gloves she was holding on to.

Eri opened the door slowly and slipped in swiftly, closing the door in the process as well. "Are you alright, Risa?" Silence was the response she got from Risa. "Why are you back so late? Did something happened at training today again?" Once again, silence was what she managed to get from Risa. "Did you got a new glove? I haven't seen you wearing that. Or should I say, you never had the habit to wear gloves, even during winter." Eri asked when she saw Risa clutching the gloves tightly to herself. Risa, as usual, was still staring out into space, ignoring Eri of her questions.

Eri settled down beside Risa on the bed, not continuing with her questions to Risa. Instead, she just sat beside Risa, waiting for the right moment where Risa is ready to talk to her.

"I did what you asked me to do." Risa spoke up unexpectedly after a few minutes of silence.

"You did what I had asked you to do?" Eri repeated the statement Risa had just mentioned, not getting a clue what Risa was talking about. "What did I asked you to do?" Eri asked back.

"To face my distraction." Risa answered straight to the fact. "I went to wait for her at her workplace today."

"Ai-san?" The topic on Ai had gotten the best attention of Eri. "You saw her? Have you talked to her?"

"I saw her. No, I didn't talked to her." Risa answered, still in the daze state as she was since Eri had entered the room.

Eri furrowed her eyebrow. "What do you mean? How can you not talk to her when you have met her, Risa?"

"It was cold. She brought me to her house. Made me tea. I walked out of her house. " Risa answered fragmentally, summarising the details in four short sentences.

"Yes it was cold. So the gloves belongs to Ai-san?" Eri analysed while Risa nodded her head. "So she brought you back to her home and made you tea to keep you warm." Risa nodded her head. "After that, you walked out of her house." Eri continued while Risa nodded her head again. "Wait." The fact that Risa walked out of Ai's house finally settled in Eri. "YOU WALKED OUT?" Eri retorted in utter shock."WHY? Didn't I asked you to face your distraction? And . . . She . . . "

"I . . . I don't know what to say. I can't explain why is there a need to see her. I can't understand why am I acting in this way. I can't understand why is there a need to make her smile. I can't understand why her tears hurt my heart so much. I can't understand why is there a need to understand her more. I can't understand why I am distracted by the fact that she's hurting and I do not know the reason why is she hurting, Eri. I can't even understand my own self. I can't even understand what I want. I can't even remember my childhood days. What do you want me to do? I'm not you, I'm not a psychologist. Why am I not one? Why can’t I help her from her suffering. Why is that so, Eri, WHY?" Risa finally snapped out from her daze and began battling Eri with tons of questions that had been filling her mind ever since the shocking episode they experience with Ai.

"Risa . . ." Eri, feeling sympathetic about the sudden outburst. She understood how the poor girl had felt. To them, Takahashi Ai is a pure mystery. It was unexplainable, how this 22 year old had impacted their life. To Eri, Ai is her first patient. Having a patient of the same age just pulled her out of the desire of just maintaining a psychologist-client relationship. She had truly wanted to help the girl. But up till now, Ai had been playing a game of tug-of-war with her. Every time when she thought she had gotten to know her slightly better, she was once again throw out of the situation. And most importantly, Ai had created a big change in Risa in just a week. Though Risa did not tell her anything about the things the two of them did together, she could see a change Risa's actions and behaviour. 'I wonder why . . . . . . What can I do?' Eri placed a comforting hand on Risa's shoulder.

"Risa . . . A psychologist is not a superhuman. There are so many things people thought we could do, but the fact is that we could no. Rounding up into simple words, we are just a group of helpless normal human beings, Risa. Psychologist is just a term to give people a reason why do not care. Weren't I in the same situation as you? I am as helpless as you. I felt so incompetent as her psychologist, after knowing that there's something killing her slowly inside, but yet there's nothing I can do to help her? And too, in some sense, I do feel that she's more opened up to you as compared to me. Doesn't that makes me even as incompetent, Risa?" Eri reasoned softly, allowing Risa to understand the stress and uncertainty she was facing each day with Ai, with her patients.

"Eri . . . " Risa called out softly, feeling sympathetic that Eri was also confused and stressed up at the current situation.

"The clients we deal with, they are not normal people we see on the streets, Risa. The time they need to recover from their hurt, is way more than any of us can imagine. So may take a few days, some a few months or even decades. We can't rush on them, Risa. The more we pressed in, the more they push us out. I know how you felt, Risa. I know. These helplessness, the desire to help her." Eri continued, preventing Risa from continuing what she had intended to console Eri. "First thing first, let your mind be sure what are you looking for. Be sure and truthful about your feelings you had. I will leave you to clear your mind up. Then we will decide what to do next." Eri finished as she messed up Risa's bangs. "Focus on your competition first. I don't want you to have any regrets." And with that, Eri left the study room, leaving Risa sitting alone on her bed.

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Eri laid in her own bed, with her eyes focused on the pure white ceiling above. 'I should do something. . . This is no longer an issue of work. Risa is now involved. To be tied between professionalism and personal life . . . I never thought this would occurred to me.' Eri sighed deeply once again. 'She missed her previous session, indicating the idea of avoiding me. She stopped contacting Risa - something they had been doing for 3 weeks - indicates the intention to avoid Risa as well. Could it be because of the hysterical fits she went into that day? How did she obtained the tranquilizers? She would need a doctor prescription for that. But there was no record that she had any visitation to the psychiatrist. She was quite against the idea of visiting a psychiatrist.' Eri continued to analyse the current situation. 'I need to talk to her soon . . . Especially after Risa walked out of her house. . . '