[Chapter 20] - To Remember or Not

"Risa-san, Are you alright?" Ume asked.

Even though Ume was keeping his whole attention on the road while he was driving, he could not help but to notice the frown that was on Risa's face as she kept her eyes close through the rear view mirror.

Risa had not heard what Ume had spoke to her. Her mind was in a mess. A real mess. Things just did not connect for her. 'Since when the blood type of Mama is Type A? She had always told me that it's the same as mine . . . I'm blood type B. . . ' The question that had been filling her mind up previously before Renni regained conscious came flashing back to her mind again, when silent is prominent. The picture she had discovered from her mother's bag was still fresh in her mind further confused the troubled mind. 'Who is she? Why can't I remember who is she? Do I know her? Why haven't I seen her in any of my childhood photos?' Tons of uncertainties had flooded her mind, causing the headache she was having to intensify. 'My childhood memories . . .Why is it that I can't remember a thing from the past? Before the age of 5 . . .'

"Risa-san?" Ume called out again, slightly louder this time round, hoping that that would get Risa's attention. Risa had her eyes opened up when she heard name being called. "Are you alright?" Ume continued asking.

Brushing the thoughts away from her mind, Risa shook her head at Ume's question. "I'm alright. Just having some slight headache." Risa answered. "Maybe it's just my tiredness . . . " Risa assured as she tried to pull a smile on her face.

"Are you sure?" Ume worried.

Risa nodded her head to give Ume the assurance that she was alright. 'The memories . . . That girl . . .Could she be my sister that I never knew I had? Who is she?' The haunting worries came running back into her mind again. Risa closed her eyes once again, trying to focus to try to remember anything from the past. Though that effort, nothing came in. Blank was the only thing that appeared on her memory page. 'Will Ume-san know anything about my childhood years?' A sudden idea came into her mind.

Risa blinked her eyes opened. "Ume-san?" Risa called out.

"Yes, Risa-san, may I help you?"

"How long have you been working with Papa?" Risa questioned, as she prayed inwardly that Ume had worked long enough with his father to know what had happened.

"Nearly 16 years? I'm going into my 17th year this year. You were so much like a little bean then, Risa-san." Ume answered.

'17th . . . Wouldn't that mean that . . . I was only 5? That was the age where my memory started . . .' Risa sank into silence after she had received Ume's reply to her question.

"Risa-san?"

The call caused Risa to snap out of her thought and silent.

"Why did you asked?"

"I'm just curious . . ." Risa responded, not willing to spill out what was in her mind to Ume.

"I remembered that I started working under Niigaki-san around one year after your family had returned from Toshima-Ku." Ume continued reminiscing the past days, truly believing that Risa was only curious about his past.

Risa's mind perked up when she heard this piece of information. 'Eh?! I'd lived elsewhere other in Kyoto in the past?' Risa dropped her eyelid and forced herself to think again. But once again, nothing came back to her except the throbbing headache. The ends of her eyebrow came in contact as the pain intensified. Using the forefinger, Risa began to rub her temples, hoping that that action would help to ease the pain that was splitting her head apart.

"Risa-san, are you alright?" Ume stopped the car by the roadside, turned his head around, and asked.

Risa nodded her head forcefully. "It's just the headache. . . I guess it would go away after a while." Risa tried to assure.

"Do you want me to go to the chemist to get you some painkiller? You look like you are in a real pain, Risa-san." Ume suggested as he removed the seatbelt and prepare to get off the car.

"It's alright, Ume-san. You do not have to run the trouble." Risa tried to stop Ume.

"It's alright, Risa-san, I will be right back in a second." Ume insisted, and got off, leaving Risa alone in the car.

'Great headache . . . See, you had to trouble Ume-san to go and get you painkiller.' Risa scolded her 'headache' before letting off a deep sigh. 'Toshima-Ku . . . I came from there? Would I be able to remember anything from young if I visit the place?' Risa wondered. Slipping her hands into her jean's pocket, Risa pulled out the set of key she took from her mum's bag. 'What are these keys for?' Her head throbbed, causing Risa to jerk a little.

'What are you doing here, Oji-san?'

A young voice rang in her mind. And that voice sounded so much familiar to her. 'What was that?' Risa puzzled.

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"What are you doing at the mountain so late in the night?" Retora asked Renni as he sat down on the chair by the bedside.

"You never question where I go, Anata. Why are you asking this time round?" Renni countered softly as she reached for her handbag and began to run her hand through the items.

"I'm worried about you, honey. See what had happened to you this time round? You should be thankful that you are still alive." Retora tried to explain, with the most gentle voice he could make. Though that, it was still terrifying.

"Anata, you don't have to worry about this. No way the media is going to get this news. I had told the police that I'm not pursuing for the attacker. No one else would know about this case anymore." Renni spoke as she kept her attention on her items in her bag.

"That's not what I meant. Can you don't think about me in this way, Honey." Retora groaned.

Renni remained silence. She pulled out the photo she had placed in the secret compartment. A smile ran across her pale face. 'Thank God. The photo us still here. I thought I'm going to lose it. That's the last thing I want it to happen.' Renni thought in relieve. The photo was taken during Ai's third birthday. And Renni had always kept it with her all these while, everywhere she went.

"Why are you still keeping this photo?" Retora asked when he saw the photo Renni was holding on. "Didn't I say . . . "

"I'm not you, Anata. I'm not as cold hearted as you." Renni interrupted, coughing a little as she used too much strength.

"Why are we at this topic again?" Retora argued without raising his voice.

"Do you know . . . How much it hurts for me, the guilt I felt these years, how we left Ai-chan alone back in Toshima? We didn't even know whether is she alive or not, how well is she doing if she is alive, or what had happened to her back then?" Renni cried out softly as she coughed more, having her hand on the wound as pain shot through the wound.

"Don't get so agitated, Honey." Retora concerned as he attempted to pat Renni's back to ease the coughing.

Renni pushed away Retora's hand and continued, "You never felt guilty about that, don't you? You never missed her, don't you? Ai-chan is our daughter!" Renni attempted to shout, but failed as her stinging pain on her abdomen stopped her."Risa-ko as well . . ." Renni continued whimpering. " Do you know how much it hurts me every time when I see Risa-ko suffering from your actions? What gives us the right to control her life, Anata?"

"I . . . " Being stuck on tongue, Retora pulled back his hand back to his side. "I . . . Need to go back to the company to get some stuffs done. Rest well, honey." With that, Retora left the room, with Renni sobbing uncontrollably at her own sudden outbreak.

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"Risa-san?" Ume questioned as he walked nearer to the car, with a box of painkiller in his hand, only to find the car empty.

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Eri could feel Ai's tears seeping through her thick sweater and in contact with her skin on her shoulder. The girl whom Eri was holding on was trembling in her embrace, pouring out the years of anguish she had held within her all that time. Eri hesitated for a moment, before she ran her hand up and down the back of Ai as she whispered softly to her. "It's alright to let it go, Ai-san. 18 years were long enough . . . '

'Why? Why does the truth still hurts so much after all these years? Why? Why must Risa-san be the little girl who has been appearing in my dreams all these time? Why?' Ai had the though circling in her mind, as she Eri pressed her towards her shoulder.

"I have got the general gist or your past, Ai-san. . . But I will still need you to say it straight to me, rather than me just plainly guessing from all the clues I got, Ai-san. . . To let it go, you have to face it . . . " Eri whispered again, this time with slight reluctant, as she was afraid that that move would stop Ai from opening up to her.

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'Have I really spent time here before?'  Risa thought as she walked down the streets of her said old neighbourhood. 'Nothing here looks familiar to me . . . ' Risa stood at the roadside, waiting for the traffic light to turn into the luminous green.

'It's useless . . .Even that I had came here, I still can't remember a thing . . . Not even a single thing . . .' Risa heaved a deep breath as she shoved her hands into the pockets of the jeans. Noticing that the lights had changed, Risa began moving forward, keeping her eyes on the rough surface of the road.

'Rii-chan, stay here and wait for me to come back. . . '

Risa lifted her head up in astonishment. A foreign voice had just echoed in her ears from the back of her mind. Standing in the middle of the road, Risa glanced her surrounding as she turned rounds and rounds. 'What was that? Whose voice was that?' Her world was spinning. Registering her surrounding, there was no one as such was around.

'Rii-chan, stay here and wait for me to come back. . . '

'Who are you?' Risa thought desperately in her mind. Picking up her feet, she ran across the street and down the aisle of tall buildings, turning around every few steps, in searching of the source of the voice.

'What are you doing alone over here, O-chibi-ko?'

Risa slowed down her feet. 'Papa? That's the voice of Papa!' Risa figured out as the second voice came echoing into her ears.

'Chibi-ko like you shouldn't be alone at this kind of place . . . It's not safe for you. . . What happens if you lose your balance and fall down from here?'

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 Retora sat alone by himself on the bench at the roof top of the hospital. He had lied. He had disseminated the workload from work down the hierarchy  before he had came to the hospital. There was no need for him to go back.

'Roof top . . .That was the place where I had first met Risa . . . ' Retora remembered.

Retora was making his way up the highest building in Toshima-ku. "Niigaki-san, we had heard that your daughter had just turned 4 years old last month. Well, your daughter had pretty much been a mystery to the media. Is there any reason for that?" The question one of the reporter posted earlier in the press conference rang in Retora's head. 'There's no way I can let them know that Ai-chan can't speak. It's going to ruin the reputation of the company. The stocks are going to plunge if the news is up.' Retora thought as he opened the door accessing to the root top of the building. And there, he saw a little girl, slightly smaller sized as compared to her own daughter, jumping hopscotch near the edge of the building.

"What are you doing alone over here, O-chibi-ko? Chibi-ko like you shouldn't be alone at this kind of place . . . It's not safe for you. . . What happens if you lose your balance and fall down from here?" Retora called out as he walked nearer towards to the little girl.

"I'm playing hopscotch, Oji-san. Do you want to join me over here?" The little girl replied, as she continued hoping around the boxes that were drawn by a stone on the floor.

"That's so dangerous to play that here, Chibi-chan." Retora retorted as he pulled the little girl away from the edges and back towards the inside of the roof top. " If you lose a step there, you are gone, do you know that?" Retora scolded.

"I know." The little girl replied innocently.

"You know?" That caught Retora's attention.

"It means that I will die if I drop down from here." The little girl answered again with her innocence.

'She's so young, yet she knew so much things. That's amazing.' Retora was awed by the responses he got from the little girl.

"Oji-san, what are you doing up here so late in the night?" The little girl took note of the silence, and began to start on a new conversation.

"I - " Retora was stuck with words. 'What was I intending to do when I climb up the stairs?' Pushing the thought behind, he had decided not to answer the question the little one had asked. Instead, he posted the question back to the little one. "What are you here so late in the night as well?"

"I want to fly across the sky, to where the stars are!" The little girl squealed as she pointed her forefinger towards the sky up high."Wouldn't it be amazing if one is able to fly? It must be really a great feeling!" She finished, with a wide grin on her face.

Unknowingly, a smile had crept across Retora's face. The innocence of the little girl had brought the missing smile back to his face.

"Where are you parents? Do they know that you are here?" Retora asked as he walked towards the little girl and held on her, making sure that she do not lose her footing or anything.

"I have never seen my papa . . . Mama asked me to wait on the streets for her . . . but she never came back . . . " The little answered with a slight pout. "I have been waiting for her for the whole day, but she hasn't come back. Nee, Oji-san, did something bad happened to Mama as well?"

'Did her mom decided to abandon her?' Retora thought in his mind. Glancing at the little girl, gush of sadness swamped over him. 'She has everything my Ai-chan do not have. . . Such a young age, yet with such a sharp tongue. . . '

"That's impossible, little one." Retora poke the bubble of the little girl, patting her head lightly in the process.

"It's possible!" The little girl pouted. She began hopping away from Retora, back to what she was doing before Retora came to the roof top. "See! I'm flying in the sky! Isn't that so?"  

A smile had crept across Retora's face. The smile that was missing ever since the day when they found out Ai's psychological disorder. He walked towards the little girl and held firm on her, stopping her from hopping around the edges. "Alright alright. Now I know it's possible, can you stop hopping around so dangerously like this?"

The little nodded her head and allowed Retora to carry her off the edge.

"What's your name, little one?"

"My name is Risa! But Mama always calls me Rii." The little girl chirped. "Is Mama going to come back and fetch me?" Little Risa tilted her head and asked.

'There was a suicide that occurred just streets away from here. It was a young lady, wasn't it? Could that be her mother?" Retora thought as he glanced at Little Risa, who was staring at him, waiting for the answer for her question. 'But . . . How can I tell that to her?'

'She was the perfect daughter that I thought I wanted. I took advantage of the situation and brought her back with me, making her my daughter. Risa . . . ' Retora thought as he leaned against the railings on the roof top of the hospital. 'And the high fever she got when she was five erased all of her memories before five. Which was what I thought it was a good thing . . .'

Tightening his grip on the railing, Retora left of a deep sigh. 'She hadn't lose that innocence she held then. She stills wants to fly freely in the sky, even though she had forgotten all about the incident that had happened. Had I been really selfish all these years? The need to withold the company’s position in the society . . . Had that pushed me to lose all my consciences? Had I really forgotten about the little girl whom I promised I will be back for her?'

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Risa kneeled on the ground. Bits of her memories had just flashed back into her mind. Looking around her, the place seemed familiar to her. It was totally identical to what that was playing in her mind previously.

She had ran down the streets and identified the same tall building. As she climbed up the stairs, more memories flew back to her, until now, where she was kneeling on the same ground where she had first met Retora. 'I wasn't the biological child of Papa, Mama?' Tears began to fill up her eyes at that thought. 'I wasn't? Why didn't they told me?'

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"Ridiculous! I can't believe it!" Eri exclaimed angrily as stood up from the bed beside Ai. "I'm going back to Kyoto. Right at this moment!" Eri snapped as she began to pack her bag and lift it up to her right shoulder. Just as she was about to move away from the bed, Ai pulled her back. Eri turned around to face Ai. Ai was grabbing Eri's left hand with her both hands, with tears flowing down her cheeks just like the water flowing down the river. Ai shook her head continuously, begging Eri to not to go.

'No. . . Don't confront them about it. . . ' Ai muttered in her mind as she closed her eyes, trying to stop the tears from flowing.

"Why? That totally inhumane for them to do that? What are you still protecting them in such a way? Such actions should be exposed!" Eri asked angrily.

Ai just continue to shake her head. She let go of her grip on Eri's hand. (No . . . It's my fault that they left me . . .) 'It's my own fault. . . '

"It's not your fault, Ai-san! It's theirs'! They did that out of their own selfishness!" Eri argued, trying to instil the right way of thinking into Ai's mind.

Ai shook her head. (It's mine. . . If I could speak, then that would not happen. It's my fault. Please, don't go and confront them, Eri-san.) Ai continued to sign stubbornly.

"Ai-san!" Eri called out as she grabbed onto Ai's shoulder, forcing Ai to look into her eyes. "It's not your fault. Stop blaming yourself for what had happened."  Ai trembled in Eri's hold. Her eyes were begging Eri, begging her to not to confront anyone.

'Please . . . Don't confront them . . . Don't let Risa know any of such things. I have suffered from these for years. I don't mind suffering from it for the rest of my life . . . But . . .Don't like Risa know anything of as such. Don't let her suffer . . . If there's a need for someone to suffer from this cause, let me be the only one. . .'

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Risa stopped her feet in front of another familiar building. She had made her way into the residential area of the city. Following her guts, she had arrived at the mentioned place. 'Niigaki' Risa read the name tag of the house. 'Was this the place Papa brought me back? Was this where he stayed?'

The gate of the house was not locked. Holding on the hems of her shirt, Risa entered into the front yard and stood in front of the main door. 'This door . . . Wasn't this the door I saw when I almost fainted in the hospital?' Removing the keys she 'stole' from her pocket, Risa stuck one of them into the keyhole and gave it a turn, unlocking the door. 'So . . . Mama kept the keys to this house all these while. . . ' Cautiously, Risa opened the door, and entered the house. Thick layer of dust were collected on all surfaces. A few spider webs could be observed at the corners of the room. 'Did I stayed here before we went back to Kyoto?' Risa thought as she toddled across the room.

'Oji-san, isn't that Onee-san leaving with us?'

Risa looked up in attention at the memory voice. 'Onee-san? Am I suppose to have an elder sister?' Risa wondered. The picture she saw from her mother's bag flashed back in her mind. 'Is that Onee-san that little girl in Mama's bag?'

Risa made her way into the main living area and saw a series of photo frame standing on the tabletop. She picked up one of them, and wiped the dust away with her bare hands. 'It's her . . . That same little girl. . .'

Little Risa rested her chin on the shoulder of Retora. And as they were about to leave the door, a little girl came into her vision, looking queerly at them. 'Oji-san, isn't that Onee-san leaving with us?' Little Risa asked as she lifted her chin off the shoulder, looked at Retora and asked.

"Don't ask irrelevant things, little one."

Little Risa turned her attention back to the little girl, only to catch her mom opening. Soon after that, the main door was closed.

Risa trembled at the remembered memory . . . 'What was that?' 

Risa held her hands at handle of one of the drawers and pulled it opened. And there inside, laid a birth certificate. Picking the piece of paper up, she glanced her eyes through the information on it.

"Niigaki Ai, Nee-san was born in the same day as me? That's impossible . . . ' Risa thought in her mind. 'Wait . . .' Realisation struck Risa. She picked up one of the photo frame up again and stared at the image of the little girl.

"That was the first time I saw Ai-chan" Abe recalled. "She never told me what's her last name. I assume that she don't remember what's her last name as well. Takahashi was the last name that I gave her." The voice of Abe sounded in her mind.

'Ai?' Her eyes were wide opened. Her hands lost grip of the photo frame, causing the photo frame to drop onto the floor, breaking into pieces. 'Ai?!'